Mental Health Counseling and Therapy in Salt Lake City, Utah » Happiness

The Basics of Happiness

Frank Clayton — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 00:08:05 +0000

Happiness Basics Now on Video!

On June 14th, I had the honor and privilege to speak at ARUP Laboratories here in Salt Lake City. I had just one hour to tell them as much as I could about Happiness. I have been teaching Happiness 101 for over a year. The semesters keep getting longer and longer because I keep learning and learning. There is now SO much good solid, scientifically-based information on the subject. I wish I could just download all the information right to the audience. I jammed in as much as I could in that hour. After a quick introduction, we did a Happiness exercise. Rapid fire I talked about complaints and automatic negative thoughts, gave them the definition of Happiness, including the differentiation between “Happy” and “Happier”. I gave them the science behind why we are not as happy as we think we should be and the myths of happiness. I pounded on the issue of CHOICE, asking the audience to chant “Choice. Choice. Choice.” for each time I said it and of the Happiness Robbers that take away our power of choice. Most importantly, I shared the Happiness Habits suggested by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness. I am “Happy” to report that we video taped the lecture and it is now available on YouTube. You will notice that the videos are interactive. You can jump easily from one video to another. I would suggest you start with “Are You Happy“. It is my goal to make other classes available soon. I want to give a special thank you to H.V. for inviting me to speak at her place of work. I also want to thank everyone who has been spreading the word about Happiness. I appreciate those who have been telling people they do not need to wait to be rich, famous or more beautiful – that they can be happier NOW.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Live Like You Were Dying

Frank Clayton — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 04:07:58 +0000

Suppose you just got the news. The doctor told you that you have 24 hours to live.
What would you do? How would you spend that last 24 hours? I bet you wouldn’t be fretting over the phone bill being a day late. My guess is you would not waste one minute on argument – not even for the principle of the matter.
Would you have any regrets?
If you had known that THIS was going to be your last day on earth, would you have lived your life differently?
Would you have looked deeply into the eyes of your loved ones when you said “I love you” for the last time or would have been the way you said it last time? When WAS the last time you told the people you love how much you actually care?

NOW, suppose in hour 23 (of your last 24), the doctor calls, apologizing profusely about mixing up the charts and announcing that you are not only NOT going to die today but by all accounts you are expected to live a long, healthy life.
Would your perspective change? Would you live your life from this day forward with a new appreciation?

It is honestly not realistic to live completely every day as if it were your last (Dan Gilbert explores this hypothesis at length in his book, Stumbling on Happiness). In fact, to do so would be to throw away one of humans most profound (and recent) gifts: the ability to plan into the future. According to Tal Ben-Shahar in his book, Happier, the way to true Happiness is to plan for the future and strive for our goals but to enjoy the journey, not just the destination.

Would your life be different if you thought you were dying and got a second chance? I invite you to sit with this notion. Not just finish reading this and go back to your life. Rather than EXPERIENCING the heart attack, car wreck or other unforeseen disaster, why not get your new lease on life RIGHT NOW? Pretend! Live the next 24 hours as if they were your last (nothing illegal or anything that would hurt another person, please) and then live the rest of your life with a fresh perspective.
Ready? Your new life begins in three….. two…… WON!

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Book Review: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

Frank Clayton — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 15:16:35 +0000

Frank recommends: buy it in BULK

Barbara Fredrickson‘s book is a must-read for anyone who is serious about being happier.
Dr. Fredrickson was studying positive emotions even before Positive Psychology was officially formed. In fact, it was her research that got Martin Seligman so excited that he was running up the stairs two at a time, singing her praises. Positivity is jam-packed with research backed studies that will bring hope to the hopeless and broaden and deepen the level of happiness of even the happiest of people – including me! The most important message of the book: there is a “tipping point” of positivity. Dr. Fredrickson likens this to the transformation that ice takes on when exposed to a certain temperature – when ice becomes water. Her research proves that human beings have such a point when we transform from languishing to flourishing. Teaming up with other researchers, Dr. Fredrickson reported the exact tipping point to be 2.9013 to 1. Rounding up, she suggests that people strive to experience 3 positive emotions to 1 negative one. She reports that the majority of people have a positivity ratio of 2 to 1 and are considered to be languishing. Those experiencing a ratio of 1 to 1 (or lower) are usually diagnosed with depression. What is your positivity ratio? You can find out right now. But before you click on, two things: She suggests testing yourself often to get a true measurement of your overall positivity, so if you score low, don’t sweat it – you might just be having a bad day. Also, I (the “Happy Therapist”) scored in the languishing range myself. But the great news is that Dr. Fredrickson not only tells you what your score is, more importantly she tells you specifically how to raise your positivity score, that you may flourish! You can take the a self-test at www.positivityratio.com .

What IS “Positivity” exactly? Well, Dr. Fredrickson uses the word in place of “happiness”, deeming the word “happiness” as to broad and vague. “Positivity”, however is way of life stemming from joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe and love. She offers a new toolkit and specific exercises in her book on how to cultivate more of these feelings. Dr. Fredrickson also has a section on decreasing negativity, including how to deal with negative people. I personally loved the concept of “social aikido” (page 175).

My only criticism of Positivity is that Dr. Fredrickson at times offers so much research to support her points that one could get mired down in the data. I urge you to not let this dissuade you. There is true gold in Positivity and urge not only buy it, but buy it in bulk. You’ll want to give a copy to all your friends (and maybe even a few “enemies”). I will be using Positivity extensively in the next semester of Happiness 101. Join us.

Frank Clayton (a.k.a. The Happy Therapist)
Licensed Professional Counselor

Happiness – No Near Miss

Frank Clayton — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 05:58:09 +0000

By request, I have started posting my five positive things on Facebook again. It is a lot of fun sharing the positives. There is SO much for which to be grateful. An interesting phenomenon has occurred when I express gratitude for the things that do NOT happen. For instance, when I write “I am glad I did not get into a car accident today” I am frequently met with, “Did you have a near miss?” The answer is “no”. I did not have a near miss. Isn’t it an interesting reaction though? Must we have a near miss to appreciate what we have? Most of the time this is exactly what we (human beings) do. We take for granted the blessings all around us – not because we are an ungrateful by nature. It is due to a trick our brains play on us called Hedonic Adaptation (Sonja Lyubomirksky, The How of Happiness) also known as the Hedonic Treadmill (Barbara Fredrickson, Positivity). It’s just a fancy way of saying “We get used to it”. There is a remedy for Hedonic Adaptation: Gratitude. Just by taking a few minutes each day to stop and think about the many things we have to be grateful for can help us to appreciate them without the “benefit” of a near miss. Writing down five positives per day has proven (Martin Seligman, Emmons and McCoullough) to reverse the course of a downward spiral. If you are a bit rusty on counting your positives, I offer eight different ways to do so in the article Building Your Positive Muscles. There you will learn new ways to appreciate what you’ve got BEFORE it’s gone.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

The Happiness Diet

Frank Clayton — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 19:35:46 +0000

How would you like to enjoy your food much more while consuming far fewer calories?

Now, before I go any further I must say that I am not a dietician. I don’t even play a dietician on TV. But I do know a thing or two about Happiness. I can tell you that most people eat their food mindlessly, not truly tasting their food. I can also tell you that studies have shown that your enjoyment between your first and second bite of food plummets significantly (Martin Seligman, Authentic Happiness). By the time you get to bites three and four, your mind is probably drifting to the day ahead or the day behind. So you are consuming a lot of food (and calories) with minimal pleasure. Why not try the Happiness Diet? I suppose we could also call it the Mindfulness Diet. Before you partake, look at your food. Notice the details, the contours, the difference from one side of the food to the other. If you won’t be breaking any major laws of protocol, touch your food. Close your eyes. “Listen” with your fingers. Once you have thoroughly examined your cuisine, take a bite of food and savor it. What is its texture on your tongue? Is your tongue having different experiences on the tip vs. the top vs. the sides? Though I am not a doctor either, it is widely known that different parts of the tongue experience food in different ways (see this article on Thinkquest on taste). Is there a smell that wafts from your food? Be sure to savor the aroma as well. You get the idea. There are five senses – use them. Experience the food. Simply by being mindful, you could experience more flavor in one bite than you could otherwise enjoy in an entire meal.

Savoring life experiences is just one of twelve Happiness Habits dished up by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book, The How of Happiness. Buy it here and/or read my review here. Join us for Happiness 101 to learn how to enjoy life more with a fraction of the effort.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

The Unhappy Path of the Happy Therapist

Frank Clayton — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 04:23:38 +0000

Since I have been teaching Happiness 101 for over a year, I have come to be known as “The Happy Therapist”. But I have not always been a therapist and I have not always been happy.

One of the myths of Happiness is: You are either born with it, or your not. Most myths with great longevity have a kernel of truth – this myth is no exception. Studies have proven that approximately half of your Happiness is based on genetics (The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky). You might assume that because I am “The Happy Therapist” that my genetics predispose me to be Happy. Just the opposite. Looking to both my mother and my father and much of the extended family, I would definitely say that, from a biological standpoint, I lean heavily in the direction of UNhappiness. Yes, I have been on antidepressants. Yes, I know what it is like to be so down you don’t want to get out of bed or shave much less go to work. Yes, I have been there.

Life events is what most people hope will make them Happy. “If I get the promotion THEN I’ll be happy”, “When I get married THEN I’ll be happy”, “When I win the lottery, I’ll be happy.” Sadly this hope is misplaced.
Life events makes up only about 10% of our overall Happiness. This means it does have an effect, but not nearly as much as we think it will. So, you might think that I must have had a very rosy 10%. Yes and no. The first half of my life was fraught with a barrage of unhappy events, peppered occasionally with positive ones. The turning point was meeting an amazing and upbeat woman whom I now call my wife. Though I was very pessimistic and cynical her continued optimism exposed me to a new way of thinking. I began to make different choices.

It is our choice that makes up the 40% of our overall Happiness. In this area too I have struggled greatly. For the majority of my life, I have made choices that have actively fostered my own unhappiness. I gravitated toward the dark and adopted unhappy habits. Even now, after all I have learned, I unearth thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that undermine my own Happiness. This is one of the reasons I have told my students from the beginning that I am on the path of Happiness WITH them.

When I took Sonja Lyubomirsky’s Happiness self-test in The How of Happiness, in April 2009, I scored 4.20 (on a scale from 1 to 6). That score was just below average (4.30). I am a THERAPIST and I was still scoring BELOW average! I am pleased to report that my retest on May 1st, 2010 revealed that my Happiness has increased significantly to 5.03. My Happiness increased because I use in my daily life the techniques I teach in class. In other words I do not just talk the talk, but walk the walk. I want to thank the students of Happiness 101 who keep me on my toes and inspire me be a better therapist, teacher and human being.

This has been the most challenging article I have written to date. I share my story only because I want you to know that even if you think you were born unhappy, even if life has given you lemons, even if you have made choices up to this point that have contributed to your unhappiness, YOU CAN BE HAPPIER STARTING RIGHT NOW. Don’t think of the path as one with a finish line. Don’t even strive to be “Happy”. Just aim to be a little Happier today then you were yesterday.

Specifically you can do this by writing down five positive things right now. These positives could be anything big or small. They need not be a personal accomplishment, though they certainly could be. It could be anything that you appreciate. If you have trouble, see my article called Building Your Positive Muscles. There are eight different ways to find positives. Martin Seligman and later Emmons and McCoullough did studies that prove that doing this five minute exercise each day helps to jog sad people from their depression and helps Happy people maintain their sunny disposition.

Another way to start being happier today is to use the formula we use in Happiness 101:
1) Become mindful. Be aware of the conscious and unconscious choices you are making.
2) Contemplate. Ask yourself, “Is this something that makes me happy?”
3) Brainstorm. Explore your options. What OTHER choices can you make?
4) Decide. Choose a course of action.
5) Act. Do it! Even if you don’t necessarily like the option you picked, it’s okay you can always change it.

As much as I would like to take credit for this formula, it is just a step-by-step break down of what the Dalai Lama offered in his book, The Art of Happiness: “One begins by identifying those factors which lead to happiness and those factors which lead to suffering. Having done this, one sets about gradually eliminating those factors which lead to suffering and cultivate those which lead to happiness. That is the way.”

Thank you for walking this path with me.

Frank Clayton a.k.a. The Happy Therapist

Happiness 101 has a New Home!

Frank Clayton — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 06:45:50 +0000

I am very pleased to announce that Happiness 101 has a new home! We would sincerely like to thank Brent Dunn and Ace Test Prep for providing us a classroom over the last several months. Though the space has been able to comfortably accommodate 25 people, we have outgrown it! Beginning Monday, June 14th Happiness 101 will move to the Salt Lake County Parks & Recreation building located at 2531 South 400 East, Room 104 – which is in the same building as the Columbus Library. The building is beautiful. It is a newly remodeled Spanish style building. It is located just south of the I-80 freeway between State Street and 7th East. The class will still be held at 7pm and there is still no charge for the class – it has been, and continues to be, my gift to you.

Now we will have plenty of room for the five part series on the Hows of Happiness. Much of the class has been spent talking about ways to be Happier. This series will focus on the techniques to be lastingly Happier. The series will only be interrupted by the observance of Independence day. There will be no class on July 5th. If you have been putting it off, this would be an excellent time to jump in! For a complete class schedule click here or on the Upcoming Events Tab.

I would sincerely like to thank the students of Happiness 101. Let’s face it, if there were no students, the teacher would not appear. There have been a core group of seven people who have been consistently coming to class and one who has even better attendance than myself (I was out of town one time). These seven people have been extremely supportive in every way, including spreading the word. Over the last few of months the group of regulars have swelled to over a dozen. Lately we have had crowds in the 20s and I suspect with more seats available, they will come. Again, thank you to everyone who has made Happiness 101 a great success.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Happiness in a Well-Made Mistake

Frank Clayton — Wed, 19 May 2010 07:48:31 +0000

One of my favorite musicians is Fiona Apple. On her release (When The Pawn…) she had a song called “Mistake”. A little bite of the Apple goes “I’ve acquired quite a taste for a well-made mistake”. At the time, the concept of enjoying or appreciating a mistake was foreign to me. We get so hung up on making a “mistake”, when there may be many benefits to blowing it. I got all the way to my office today before realizing I left my computer’s power cord at home. My computer flat lines inside of three minutes without some direct current, so I decided to return home to retrieve it. Before I could start to grouse, I decided to challenge myself to find all of the positives in the unscheduled round-trip.
1) ‘Got to drive on a beautiful day rather than doing paper work at my office.
2) I got to speak to a friend on the drive and arranged to have lunch. (Yes, I used my ear bud – safety first)
3) I appreciated that I even own a computer to forget the cord to.
4) I was sincerely thankful for leaving early for my office on the first trip, which afforded me the luxury of time to return home to retrieve the cord at all
5) I am thankful to have a car – imagine what a nightmare it would have been if I had to take the bus?
6) It afforded me the opportunity to mail a bill right away

Think of some mistakes you have made. ‘Maybe even mistakes that have regret attached to them. What were the positives that came from your “mistake”? Was it even a mistake? Are you sure? We can be quick to identify something as “bad” or a “mistake” but sometimes, with the passage of a little time and/or perspective, we might see it differently. This short story illustrates the point well:

“We’ll See” (story obtained from Thoughts2Think):
There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.
“Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“We’ll see,” the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
“How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“We’ll see,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
“We’ll see,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
“We’ll see” said the farmer.

I leave you with list of items that were invited by “mistake” (courtesy of Think Quest)

Chocolate Chip Cookies
Velcro
Ice-cream cones
Silly-putty
Frisbee
Potato Chips
Slinky
Post-It Notes

Frank Clayton
Licesned Profeesional Counselor

Diary of a Happy Therapist: I am Happier – AND Subjectively Prettier

Frank Clayton — Sun, 16 May 2010 05:39:02 +0000

In April of 2009 I picked up a book that changed my life: The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky. I took the tests to measure my level of Happiness. The lowest score possible is a one, which would be depressed. The highest score is a six. The average score is 4.30 My score was 4.20 I just took the test again and I am Happy to report that I have am indeed Happier. I scored a 5.03 You may remember that I recently reported that I tested positive as a pessimist (see article: I Was Wrong and I am Hopeless). You can test your optimism by going to Martin Seligman’s website. My HOPE (according to the test I was hopeLESS) is that as I cultivate my optimism, my Happiness will will increase even more. Dr. Lyubomirsky gives specific techniques on how to do so in her book. I wonder: if I tested at a perfect six – would that mean I literally could not be happier? Some of the questions were interesting. One of them was about how attractive I think I am. I had made a point of not looking at my previous answers when I retook the test. Evidently I think I’m prettier because on that question my number went up. I thought this was incredibly ironic since many people think if they make themselves more beautiful will make them happier. Evidently when one becomes happier, they think of themselves as more beautiful. ‘Wait ’til the beauty magazines find out about this.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Be As Kind To Yourself As You Would a Stranger

Frank Clayton — Tue, 11 May 2010 05:15:04 +0000

Many people give themselves permission to be mean to themselves.

Suppose you were walking along in a park and you heard one person saying things like:
“Who do you think you are?”
“Nobody likes you.”
“Go ahead and try it! You’re going to fall flat on your face.”
“You’re fat.”
“You suck!”

Toxic stuff, huh? You would probably be appalled if you heard another person say these things out loud to another person. You might even say something, “Hey! Leave him alone!” Most likely the hateful words would leave an impression on you – one that might last throughout the day. You might ask yourself, “How could someone be so cruel?”

If you are like most people you think things like this to yourself often. Why? Well, there are several reasons which I will discuss at length in the Happiness 101 class on June 7th called Befriending Your Inner Critic. Not only will you learn to identify your inner critic but instead of shutting it off, you can actually make it your ally! For now, I ask you to just be aware of this voice that says these awful things to you. What does it sound like? When is it most likely to spew its negativity? Though it sounds like the voice of authority, it is not in charge. YOU are. On June 7th, I will help you regain control over this important part of your life.

In the meantime, use the formula we use in Happiness 101:
Be mindful – be aware of the voice of the inner critic
Explore your options. What choices take you further away from happiness and which bring you closer? You can let the inner critic spew on or you can DO something about it.
Make your choice.
Implement your choice.

My hope is that you would put a stop to the internal abuse. One suggest is you can think or say “Stop!” – the same thing you might do in the scenario above.

Please. Be kind to yourself – at LEAST as kind as you would be to a stranger.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor