Mental Health Counseling and Therapy in Salt Lake City, Utah » Mental Health

Live Like You Were Dying

Frank Clayton — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 04:07:58 +0000

Suppose you just got the news. The doctor told you that you have 24 hours to live.
What would you do? How would you spend that last 24 hours? I bet you wouldn’t be fretting over the phone bill being a day late. My guess is you would not waste one minute on argument – not even for the principle of the matter.
Would you have any regrets?
If you had known that THIS was going to be your last day on earth, would you have lived your life differently?
Would you have looked deeply into the eyes of your loved ones when you said “I love you” for the last time or would have been the way you said it last time? When WAS the last time you told the people you love how much you actually care?

NOW, suppose in hour 23 (of your last 24), the doctor calls, apologizing profusely about mixing up the charts and announcing that you are not only NOT going to die today but by all accounts you are expected to live a long, healthy life.
Would your perspective change? Would you live your life from this day forward with a new appreciation?

It is honestly not realistic to live completely every day as if it were your last (Dan Gilbert explores this hypothesis at length in his book, Stumbling on Happiness). In fact, to do so would be to throw away one of humans most profound (and recent) gifts: the ability to plan into the future. According to Tal Ben-Shahar in his book, Happier, the way to true Happiness is to plan for the future and strive for our goals but to enjoy the journey, not just the destination.

Would your life be different if you thought you were dying and got a second chance? I invite you to sit with this notion. Not just finish reading this and go back to your life. Rather than EXPERIENCING the heart attack, car wreck or other unforeseen disaster, why not get your new lease on life RIGHT NOW? Pretend! Live the next 24 hours as if they were your last (nothing illegal or anything that would hurt another person, please) and then live the rest of your life with a fresh perspective.
Ready? Your new life begins in three….. two…… WON!

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Book Review: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

Frank Clayton — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 15:16:35 +0000

Frank recommends: buy it in BULK

Barbara Fredrickson‘s book is a must-read for anyone who is serious about being happier.
Dr. Fredrickson was studying positive emotions even before Positive Psychology was officially formed. In fact, it was her research that got Martin Seligman so excited that he was running up the stairs two at a time, singing her praises. Positivity is jam-packed with research backed studies that will bring hope to the hopeless and broaden and deepen the level of happiness of even the happiest of people – including me! The most important message of the book: there is a “tipping point” of positivity. Dr. Fredrickson likens this to the transformation that ice takes on when exposed to a certain temperature – when ice becomes water. Her research proves that human beings have such a point when we transform from languishing to flourishing. Teaming up with other researchers, Dr. Fredrickson reported the exact tipping point to be 2.9013 to 1. Rounding up, she suggests that people strive to experience 3 positive emotions to 1 negative one. She reports that the majority of people have a positivity ratio of 2 to 1 and are considered to be languishing. Those experiencing a ratio of 1 to 1 (or lower) are usually diagnosed with depression. What is your positivity ratio? You can find out right now. But before you click on, two things: She suggests testing yourself often to get a true measurement of your overall positivity, so if you score low, don’t sweat it – you might just be having a bad day. Also, I (the “Happy Therapist”) scored in the languishing range myself. But the great news is that Dr. Fredrickson not only tells you what your score is, more importantly she tells you specifically how to raise your positivity score, that you may flourish! You can take the a self-test at www.positivityratio.com .

What IS “Positivity” exactly? Well, Dr. Fredrickson uses the word in place of “happiness”, deeming the word “happiness” as to broad and vague. “Positivity”, however is way of life stemming from joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe and love. She offers a new toolkit and specific exercises in her book on how to cultivate more of these feelings. Dr. Fredrickson also has a section on decreasing negativity, including how to deal with negative people. I personally loved the concept of “social aikido” (page 175).

My only criticism of Positivity is that Dr. Fredrickson at times offers so much research to support her points that one could get mired down in the data. I urge you to not let this dissuade you. There is true gold in Positivity and urge not only buy it, but buy it in bulk. You’ll want to give a copy to all your friends (and maybe even a few “enemies”). I will be using Positivity extensively in the next semester of Happiness 101. Join us.

Frank Clayton (a.k.a. The Happy Therapist)
Licensed Professional Counselor

The Happiness Diet

Frank Clayton — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 19:35:46 +0000

How would you like to enjoy your food much more while consuming far fewer calories?

Now, before I go any further I must say that I am not a dietician. I don’t even play a dietician on TV. But I do know a thing or two about Happiness. I can tell you that most people eat their food mindlessly, not truly tasting their food. I can also tell you that studies have shown that your enjoyment between your first and second bite of food plummets significantly (Martin Seligman, Authentic Happiness). By the time you get to bites three and four, your mind is probably drifting to the day ahead or the day behind. So you are consuming a lot of food (and calories) with minimal pleasure. Why not try the Happiness Diet? I suppose we could also call it the Mindfulness Diet. Before you partake, look at your food. Notice the details, the contours, the difference from one side of the food to the other. If you won’t be breaking any major laws of protocol, touch your food. Close your eyes. “Listen” with your fingers. Once you have thoroughly examined your cuisine, take a bite of food and savor it. What is its texture on your tongue? Is your tongue having different experiences on the tip vs. the top vs. the sides? Though I am not a doctor either, it is widely known that different parts of the tongue experience food in different ways (see this article on Thinkquest on taste). Is there a smell that wafts from your food? Be sure to savor the aroma as well. You get the idea. There are five senses – use them. Experience the food. Simply by being mindful, you could experience more flavor in one bite than you could otherwise enjoy in an entire meal.

Savoring life experiences is just one of twelve Happiness Habits dished up by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book, The How of Happiness. Buy it here and/or read my review here. Join us for Happiness 101 to learn how to enjoy life more with a fraction of the effort.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Why You Should Get a Therapist Now

Frank Clayton — Sun, 23 May 2010 07:21:25 +0000

Okay, so maybe I am a bit bias. Maybe even a little more than a little bit bias, but I think you will agree with me by the end of this article: You should get a therapist now, rather than later. Therapy helps people to lead happier more productive lives. I think people wait WAY too long to go to therapy – especially couples. Think of therapy as preventative, rather than something to do once you are on fire. My suggestion would be that you think of going to a mental health therapist the way you think of going to the medical doctor – you go occasionally just to check in an ensure that everything is alright. Another good reason to get a therapist sooner than later is because if there comes a time when you REALLY need to talk to a therapist right away, then you have a therapist in place – someone with whom you are comfortable. Imagine how frustrating it would be to really need therapy and go to someone who is not a good fit for you or (as I have known many to do) spend weeks going through insurance to make sure your therapist is actually in your network. There is even more reason to seek a psychiatrist sooner than later. Right now in Salt Lake City, the wait to see a psychiatrist is THREE MONTHS. If you have even a suspicion that you might need someone to prescribe psychotropic medications, make an appointment now (for more info about psychiatrists, see Doctors vs Therapists) Back to therapy: if you have a job, your employer probably has and Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that allows for three to five FREE sessions of therapy per year. Contact your human resources department and tell them you want the phone number of your EAP. They do not need to know why you are calling. In fact, EAP usually also provides legal and financial counseling as well, so it remains confidential. These EAP companies report nothing to your employer. Of course a regular dose of Happiness 101 couldn’t hurt. There is no charge for the class – it is a gift I give every Monday at 7pm. Click here for the upcoming class schedule.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Happiness in a Well-Made Mistake

Frank Clayton — Wed, 19 May 2010 07:48:31 +0000

One of my favorite musicians is Fiona Apple. On her release (When The Pawn…) she had a song called “Mistake”. A little bite of the Apple goes “I’ve acquired quite a taste for a well-made mistake”. At the time, the concept of enjoying or appreciating a mistake was foreign to me. We get so hung up on making a “mistake”, when there may be many benefits to blowing it. I got all the way to my office today before realizing I left my computer’s power cord at home. My computer flat lines inside of three minutes without some direct current, so I decided to return home to retrieve it. Before I could start to grouse, I decided to challenge myself to find all of the positives in the unscheduled round-trip.
1) ‘Got to drive on a beautiful day rather than doing paper work at my office.
2) I got to speak to a friend on the drive and arranged to have lunch. (Yes, I used my ear bud – safety first)
3) I appreciated that I even own a computer to forget the cord to.
4) I was sincerely thankful for leaving early for my office on the first trip, which afforded me the luxury of time to return home to retrieve the cord at all
5) I am thankful to have a car – imagine what a nightmare it would have been if I had to take the bus?
6) It afforded me the opportunity to mail a bill right away

Think of some mistakes you have made. ‘Maybe even mistakes that have regret attached to them. What were the positives that came from your “mistake”? Was it even a mistake? Are you sure? We can be quick to identify something as “bad” or a “mistake” but sometimes, with the passage of a little time and/or perspective, we might see it differently. This short story illustrates the point well:

“We’ll See” (story obtained from Thoughts2Think):
There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.
“Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“We’ll see,” the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
“How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“We’ll see,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
“We’ll see,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
“We’ll see” said the farmer.

I leave you with list of items that were invited by “mistake” (courtesy of Think Quest)

Chocolate Chip Cookies
Velcro
Ice-cream cones
Silly-putty
Frisbee
Potato Chips
Slinky
Post-It Notes

Frank Clayton
Licesned Profeesional Counselor

Be As Kind To Yourself As You Would a Stranger

Frank Clayton — Tue, 11 May 2010 05:15:04 +0000

Many people give themselves permission to be mean to themselves.

Suppose you were walking along in a park and you heard one person saying things like:
“Who do you think you are?”
“Nobody likes you.”
“Go ahead and try it! You’re going to fall flat on your face.”
“You’re fat.”
“You suck!”

Toxic stuff, huh? You would probably be appalled if you heard another person say these things out loud to another person. You might even say something, “Hey! Leave him alone!” Most likely the hateful words would leave an impression on you – one that might last throughout the day. You might ask yourself, “How could someone be so cruel?”

If you are like most people you think things like this to yourself often. Why? Well, there are several reasons which I will discuss at length in the Happiness 101 class on June 7th called Befriending Your Inner Critic. Not only will you learn to identify your inner critic but instead of shutting it off, you can actually make it your ally! For now, I ask you to just be aware of this voice that says these awful things to you. What does it sound like? When is it most likely to spew its negativity? Though it sounds like the voice of authority, it is not in charge. YOU are. On June 7th, I will help you regain control over this important part of your life.

In the meantime, use the formula we use in Happiness 101:
Be mindful – be aware of the voice of the inner critic
Explore your options. What choices take you further away from happiness and which bring you closer? You can let the inner critic spew on or you can DO something about it.
Make your choice.
Implement your choice.

My hope is that you would put a stop to the internal abuse. One suggest is you can think or say “Stop!” – the same thing you might do in the scenario above.

Please. Be kind to yourself – at LEAST as kind as you would be to a stranger.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

The Key to Self-Esteem

Frank Clayton — Wed, 05 May 2010 04:20:23 +0000

In therapy, we talk a lot about positive affirmations. It is often use as a tool to replace negative beliefs. For instance, if, deep down, one believes “I’m a loser” then we would find an positive affirmation to off-set this core belief. Notice that this negative belief is very precise and definitive – there is no ambiguity. This means that the offsetting positive affirmation must be at least as powerful. “I am awesome” is much more powerful than “I could be awesome”. The latter insinuates that there is the POTENTIAL to be awesome, but awesomeness has not yet been achieved. This is a subtle but important distinction. There seems to be no wishy-washyness at all in our negative statements. Think to the last time you made a big mistake. What was your ANT (automatic negative thought)? I bet you were tough on yourself. But a funny thing about people: we seem to very ambiguous when it comes to positive statements about ourselves. Now, when choosing a positive affirmation, I always think of buying clothes for a child. Do you buy the kid the size they currently wear? No! Of course not. You buy the clothes that are a little too big so they can grow into them.
Using the previous example, if you currently have the belief “I’m a loser”, then saying the positive affirmation “I am awesome” may feel like an outright lie and thereby negates its usefulness. “I’m ok” might feel like a better fit. I am providing you with a suggested continuum that might help you decide which positive affirmation might be right for you. Again, this continuum is only a suggestion. You might use other words or even have the words in a different order. Don’t get too hung up on this. Just pick a positive affirmation that feels like a bit of a stretch for you. Repeat the affirmation many times throughout the day. The more you say it, the more comfortable you will get in saying it. Once it feels true, feel free to pick a NEW positive affirmation. We’ll have you up to AWESOME in no time.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor and teacher of Happiness 101

Affirmation Continuum

The Language of Love

Frank Clayton — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 07:27:25 +0000

In my experience as as a counselor, I find poor communication to be the culprit in most marital strife. As part of that miscommunication is: the signal sent is not necessarily the signal received. One of the most damaging of these miscommunications is a distortion in the language of love. Take a moment to consider:
How do you really feel love? Think of times where someone has done or said something that REALLY made you feel loved.
Conversely, how do you express love? If you want someone to know that you really love them, what do you do or say?
Suppose the way you say “I love you” is via gifts but the way your mate feels “I love you” is by spending quality time? Then your gift may not be appreciated and worse yet your mate may not feel loved. Maybe said mate is trying to tell you “I love you” by asking to spend time together, but you are too busy earning the money to buy the gift which you hope will let them know how much you really love them. In the meantime your mate may feel unloved.

The 5 Love Languages

In his book, The 5 Love Languages , Gary Chapman does an excellent job of explaining the five different languages of love: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts and acts of service. On his website (www.5lovelanguages.com) you can take a brief test to find out what your primary love language(s) is/are. You can find his book at the local Borders or Barnes & Noble. I recommend reading it together. You can (literally) get on the same page, Kindle and rekindle the flames of love in no time.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Take Responsibility For Your Happiness

Frank Clayton — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 20:38:50 +0000

A must for harnessing your Happiness is taking responsibility for it.

In Happiness 101, we have four rules: no blame, no shame, no guilt and no complaining. These were dubbed the Happiness Robbers but Marci Shimoff in her book Happy For No Reason. The earmark of a Happiness Robber is avoidance of full responsibility, opting instead to be mired down in victim hood. It is important to clarify that there IS a time and place for blame, shame, guilt and complaining. But when they are used as excuses to avoid taking responsibility for your life and your Happiness. This can be easier said than done. On the one hand, taking full responsibility means that you have the power to make changes and that can feel VERY empowering. However, this also means that IT’S ALL ON YOU to make choices that will make you happy. Let’s face it: it is easier and more convenient to blame our spouse, our boss or our friends for our predicament. The price we pay, however, is remaining stuck and feeling helpless – a victim.

You might say “Oh, but I REALLY do not have control over this situation. I am stuck and there is nothing I can do.” The answer is the serenity prayer. If you have never heard it, I offer it to you now:
“Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” So, if I am blaming my unhappiness on the recession, then I am powerless to be happy because the economic state of the nation is beyond my control. However, I AM in control of my personal finances and I am in control of my attitude. Sometimes what we have control over may be in question. Do you have control over your spouse, your boss or your friends? No. Our sphere of direct control is really quite limited. Of course we can help or hinder various processes through our behavior, but do we honestly have control? For instance, I can work hard, always show up for work and laugh at all of the bosses jokes, but does that mean I will get the promotion? Maybe but maybe not. We can do things in hopes of achieving a certain result, but many times that hoped-for result is out of our control.
I know. This can be very challenging to think about how limited your control really is. However, in my practice as a therapist, I see people frustrated and feeling depressed because they are attempting to control something that is not within their control while ignoring the things that truly ARE within their control (Disclaimer: I am not thinking of anyone specific as I write this – promise!). If we take control of our thoughts, beliefs and behaviors, WE control our happiness.
A wonderful example of this is Nelson Mandela (see recent movie review of Invictus). Here was a man wrongly imprisoned for 27 years. I don’t think anyone would have blamed him for being bitter and/or hateful. But Nelson Mandela refused to be a victim of his oppressors. He recognized that though he was imprisoned that he was the master of his fate, the captain of his soul.
Now that you have this knowledge, I challenge you to take full responsibility for your life -AND your Happiness.
~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

The Upside of Social Comparison

Frank Clayton — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 05:56:42 +0000

Like many things, social comparison can be wielded for good or for bad.

In her book, The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky dedicates an entire section to the topic of social comparison. If we are thinking “I’ll be happy when I get a better car than the Jones’” then we are indulging in one of the myths of Happiness (I’ll be happy if/when). But there is a positive side to social comparison. Competition can inspire us go push ourselves further than we ever thought we could go. ‘Just look at the Olympics. Due to fierce competition, human beings have pushed themselves to feats previously believed to be impossible.

There is another kind of social comparison that is inspirational. When we look at someone who had fewer opportunities than we but has excelled in the face of adversity. At the 2009 TedMed conference in San Diego, Paralympian Aimee Mullins purports that the only real obstacle she had to overcome was other people’s perceptions of her living without legs as a disability. In her speech, she said, “The question isn’t whether or not you’re going to meet adversity, but how you’re going to meet it” As a man with two legs, it is hard to look at this amazing woman and not be inspired. I highly recommend viewing her speech (click here).

I find that the words “I can’t” get stuck in my throat when I watch Butch Lumpkin playing golf with no arms. I remember that success means getting up one more time than you fall when I watch Nick Vujicic do just that with no arms AND no legs (check out his website: www.lifewithoutlimbs.com )

And Reba and Lori Schappel can literally turn our concept of happiness on its head. Though twins, they claim to be exact opposites of one another. Reba is somewhat introverted and likes to sing country music. Lori is the outgoing one. She works in a hospital and hopes one day to marry and have children. One thing they DO have in common is their head. Reba and Lori are conjoined twins connected at the skull. The women report that they are very happy and cannot imagine why anyone would want to separate them. As Dan Gilbert points out in his book, Stumbling On Happiness, if they say they are happy – who are we to argue?

What I do know is that in these amazing stories of physical challenges I find myself inspired. I feel even more grateful to have two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes and one head. I wonder if I have maximized my potential. When I look at these amazing people, I know I can do more and be more. Not for petty praise but to simply be the best human being I can be.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor