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Frank Clayton, Organizer “ Skydive cancelled due to high winds ”

Frank Clayton — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 15:19:54 +0000

Frank Clayton, Organizer
“ Skydive cancelled due to high winds ”

Bragging vs. Complaining

Frank Clayton — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 19:08:40 +0000

In some pockets of our society it seems not only accepted but expected to complain. I have been keenly aware of this as I have walked along the path of Happiness. Sometimes people do not know how to react when I do not chime in. They have even try to spur me on with “Isn’t that terrible? For some, misery seems to be the bond that relationships are made of. I am thinking of one such person I knew. He took a snippet of information and built his world around this “truth”. He had heard that another person is incapable of truly being happy about your successes; that secretly they are jealous and hope you soon fall on your face. This “truth” IS true – for some people. They are called unhappy people. In Sonja Lyubomirsky‘s book, The How of Happiness, there is a chapter focusing on social comparison. In it, she reveals that in one of her earliest studies they found that unhappy people compare themselves to others in a highly competitive way – even if they were not in a formal competition. They secretly revel in the failure and misfortune of others. Happy people competed – but not with others. They measured themselves against their own standards and therefore could feel happiness when others succeeded.

There ARE people who speak of good news, successes and hopes of the future. Ironically, speaking liberally about one’s good fortune might seem like bragging to some. My guess is that the unhappy person would jump to this conclusion quicker than the happy person. In Happiness 101, we periodically set time aside for “Success Stories”. This is an opportunity for you to speak of your triumphs and successes. Without this permission, some are reluctant to talk about them. How sad that complaining seems more accepted than sharing one’s successes.

There is a remedy though: hang out with happy people. They are out there but you must watch and listen. They can be seen smiling when there seems to be no good reason to do so. They usually complain little. They use hopeful language. If you want to be in conversation with them, I would suggest you do likewise, even if it seems awkward at first. I love having conversations with happy people. I had the good fortune to be contacted by such a person last week. Psychologist Kathy Bell graduated from the Authentic Happiness Coaching Program. She is a facinating person. You can learn more about her and sign up for her newsletter at www.psychologicalprosperity.com In speaking with her I found myself happy, invigorated, hopeful and excited. If you are ready to make a change, join us for Happiness 101. Not only will you learn how to be happy, you will have an opportunity to meet other people who are looking for the same thing.

Frank Clayton, LPC

How to Choose a Therapist

Frank Clayton — Thu, 27 May 2010 15:33:23 +0000

I am frequently surprised that new clients do not ask more questions before setting an appointment. Going to a therapist is a big deal, whether it is your first time or you’ve spent many an hour on “the couch”. You will be spending your money, your time and most importantly, your hope on a therapist. A bad fit will likely leave you feeling that you have wasted all three of these precious commodities. Therapy is a very personal thing yet most people ask few questions.

Here are a few suggestions on how to choose a therapist:
Be clear about what you hope to get out of the therapeutic process.
Look for someone that specializes in the kind of therapy you seek. Note: If you are looking for counselor for depression or anxiety, be aware that virtually all mental health therapists are able to address these issues.
If a provider search has indicated that a therapist is an expert or specialist in a certain area, you might ask them “What makes you an expert in this area?”
Some issues that require special or additional training are: eating disorders, traumatic brain injuries and children.
Imagine exactly what you would want in a therapist. Do you want someone to be a sounding board, or are you looking for someone to tell you what they think you should do?
Would you like your therapist to be kind and quiet or direct and confrontive?
Male or female?
Older or younger?
Little, moderate or extensive experience? (There are pros and cons to all of them).
Do you want a Master’s level clinician or a psychologist (see Doctors vs. Therapists)
Of course, location does matter. Usually your insurance carrier will have a provider search, complete with a map on their website.

How to locate potential therapists:
If you have insurance, start with a provider search through them. Once you have identified a potential therapist ALWAYS call your insurance company and verify that your particular plan will pay for that particular therapist. (I will spare you the nightmare stories, but trust me on this one).
If you are employed, you may be entitled to free therapy through your company’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Call your Human Resources Department to find out.
If you do have both an EAP and insurance, be sure to find a therapist that is both on the EAP and the insurance.
If you do not have insurance, there are some provider searches available through the internet:
Psychology Today
Network Therapy.com
Good Therapy.org

Word of mouth. Nothing beats a positive review from someone you trust. If you are given the name of a good therapist and they are not on your insurance, be sure to check your out-of-network benefits with your insurance company. You may be able to still see them but the insurance will not cover quite as much.
Finally, check them out. The Department of Professional Licensing (DOPL) enables you to search the name of your potential counselor for any disciplinary action that has been taken against them (click here). If there has, you may search the records on DOPL to find out the exact nature of the disciplinary action.

Once you have your potential therapist on the phone, ASK QUESTIONS. Have your questions ready before you call.

Feel free to ask them:
How long have you been a counselor?
How long have you been in private practice (it will probably be a different answer).
What are your religious beliefs?
What therapy do you specialize in or what is your favorite?
How much training have you had in treating my particular issue?
If you are physically disabled, verify on the phone that there is handicap access.

My personal belief is that one should find a therapist sooner than later (see Why You Should Get a Therapist Now). Even if you employed all of my suggestions, you may not “click” with your therapist. I encourage you to give it at least a few sessions but if it is not working for you, move on. This is definitely different than giving up. If it was important enough for you to pick up the phone and seek help, then please do not catagorically dismiss therapy by one bad experience. Finding a good therapist is a worthwhile endeavor and can help you live a happier and more productive life.

Frank G. Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Movie review: Invictus

Frank Clayton — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 16:28:37 +0000

Invictus is the story of Nelson Mandela following his release from prison. After 27 years of wrongful imprisonment it would be very easy for him to be bitter and even revengeful toward his jailers. When he was voted in as president of South Africa he could have used his power to punish his oppressors. Instead, he used the “weapon” of forgiveness. His black countrymen were very bitter and ready to fight. But President Mandela encouraged them not only to forgive but embrace their oppressors as fellow countrymen. He acknowledged this as no small feat but challenged them to surprise their former enemies with their kindness and compassion.

Instead of the battlefield, Nelson Mandela used a playing field of rugby. Instead of fighting among themselves, he used the fierce competition with other countries to unite his own. This movie is a wonderful reminder of how one man can make an enormous difference. How did he do it? How was he able to forgive his captors and inspire a nation to do the same? A poem. In Happiness 101 I constantly remind students of their power of choice and educate and warn about Happiness Robbers, the agents of victimhood. Nelson Mandela chose. His choices reflect an unwaivering goal: to peacefully unite his nation.

Here is the poem that inspired Nelson Mandela. Let it do the same for you.

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Needless to say (but I am going to say it anyway), I highly recommend Invictus – especially if are ever feeling powerless or depressed.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Your NOT To-Do List

Frank Clayton — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 05:55:05 +0000

In today’s busy world, many of us have to-do lists (myself included) – but what about a NOT to-do list?

On the top of my NOT to-do list:
Do NOT complain. The average person complains SEVENTY times a day!
Do NOT blame.
Do NOT shame self
Do NOT shame others
Do NOT guilt self
Do NOT guilt others

This, of course, stems from the four basic rules we use in Happiness 101: No blame, no shame, no guilt and no complaining. We call these rascals Happiness Robbers, a phrase coined by Marci Shimoff in her book Happy For No Reason. They are called Happiness Robbers because they rob us of the opportunity to take full responsibility for our own Happiness, leaving us stuck in the Hood of Victim (a.k.a. victimhood). Yes, we know that bad things happen. Yes, we know that we cannot control everything that happens in the world. The difference is that Happy people focus on what they DO have control over, rather than what they do not.
What might be on your NOT to-do list?
Professor Srikumar Rao purports that Happiness is our natural state; that we actively work to make ourselves UNhappy. If this is true, there is much to NOT do. In his book, The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama said: You figure out what makes you happy and you do more of that. You figure out what makes you unhappy and you do less of that. That is the way to Happiness. Yes, as you may have guessed, I am paraphrasing here. The Dalai Lama said with more World Spiritual Leader flair.
This week I invite you to give attention to ways in which you actively contribute to your unhappiness and do less of that. You may find with all your extra time, you can find time to put things on your to-DO list that make you Happy.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Student Becomes Teacher of Happiness 101

Frank Clayton — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 18:51:10 +0000

MRI Machine

I just was told a story by one of my long-time Happiness 101 students. In fact, her attendance record is unblemished. She has been there more than *I* have (I was absent once). She shared with me that she was in the hospital this past week due to fainting spells. The doctors ran many tests but they were still unsure of exactly what was wrong, so they wanted to run an MRI. Many, many people find it challenging to take this test because one must be slid into a small space and lay there, remaining still the whole time. My student described how her heart was pounding at the thought of her body going into that narrow tube. She knew the procedure needed to be done but was very scared. She said she thought of the skills she has learned in the Happiness 101 class and remembered that she ALWAYS has a choice about her attitude. This gave her courage to go forward with the test. She described that once in the tube, she felt nervous and scared but concentrated on happy thoughts, remembering the class and all the good times we have had. When she checks in, she shares with us about the beautiful quilts she has made. She designs each one herself and makes them by hand. So, she used her time in the MRI tube to design intricate new quilt – all in her head. This helped to keep her calm and still FOR AN HOUR!!! She said the tech was very impressed that she was able to remain so calm and still for such a long period of time. She said once she began thinking of designing the quilt, staying in the tube “was easy”. I have cried because of pain and I have cried for happiness, but I don’t think I have ever cried from pride for another person – until now. Thank you, dear lady, for being first my student and now my teacher.
~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

P.S. To date the doctors still do not know what is wrong with her. I’ll keep you posted.

Count Blessings, Not Sheep

Frank Clayton — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 13:24:50 +0000

‘Can’t sleep due to worry? May I suggest the posts “Sleep Your Way to Happiness” and “Worry Efficiently“?
Here’s a new technique, instead of laying there, worrying: count your blessings!
This employs a number of techniques:
First, you are interrupting your negative downward spiral by actively occupying your mind with positives. Contemplating the positives in your life have proven to reverse the direction of negative thoughts into an upward spiral (Martin Seligman, Emmons & McCullough). Seligman also says that just by writing down three positives before bedtime can help you sleep better.
Second, it uses the coping technique of DISTRACT, deliberately interrupting your negative thoughts. ( Sonja Lyubomirsky, in her book The How of Happiness) identifies the cessation of worrying as one of the Happiness Habits. Distract is one of the key components of this technique. Another is that if you find it necessary to worry, worry efficiently.
Third, by thinking about the positives, you are pumping up your positive muscles. The stronger your positive mind is, the easier it is to ward off negative thoughts and see the positive side of life. Or as Marci Shimoff writes in her book, Happy for No Reason, “What you appreciate, appreciates.”

There are many, many ways to count your blessings. SO many, in fact, that when I originally listed them in this article, I realized that it could be its own separate article. Here you can find EIGHT different styles to count your blessings.

Now, all that said, your objective is to go to sleep, not whip your mind up TOO much by thinking positive. Just pick a flavor of positivity, gaze upon it languidly until you fall into a nice, happy slumber.
Sweet dreams

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Building Your Positive Muscles

Frank Clayton — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 05:56:36 +0000

Many people are quick to see what is wrong, rather than what is right. I’ve come to think of people who are quick to see the negative as having strong negative muscles. This is not to say they do not have positive muscles, they are just under-developed. So, the exercises to follow are designed to pump up your positive muscles. Before you begin your positive workout, let’s clarify what a positive is: a positive is anything for which you can be thankful for or just appreciate. It does not have to be big and it need not be a personal accomplishment.
Here are some tips and different spins on how to get the most out of your positive workout:
Be specific. Instead of just thinking, “I am grateful for my friends” name each friend and think of something about each person that you appreciate. Always include WHY you are thankful.
Savor. Your gratitude list can feel like your grocery list without this important ingredient. Think about what it is you are appreciating and stretch yourself to think of the many reasons you might be grateful for that thing.
Today. Think of anything and everything that you could be grateful for that happened today. Each day is unique. Trust me, as you start to think over your day, the positives will pop into your mind. The more you look the more you find.
Reverse appreciation. Think of anything that you would be mad, sad or otherwise upset if you lost it tomorrow. If you woke up tomorrow and your radio was gone, you’d probably be upset! So, why can’t you appreciate your radio today? This works for many, many things that you may be taking for granted, such as your kidneys or that little screw that holds up your towel rack. If they were suddenly gone tomorrow, you would likely grouse. So appreciate your healthy kidney today and that your towel rack still does it job rather than adding another thing to your to-do list.
Random gratitude. Pick random items and challenge yourself as to how you can appreciate it or be thankful for it. For instance, one time I randomly chose “lint” and ended up with some delightful surprises.
Challenge yourself. For a real challenge, try looking for the positive in things usually thought of as negative. For instance: what good came of 9-11? What are some positives that resulted from World War II?
Milk it. Choose one thing and think of ALL the things that had to happen for that thing to be in your possession. For instance, I once looked at the milk in the bottom of my cereal bowl and thought of everything that was connected to bringing me that milk. Sure, the cow, the farmer and the store that sold it to you are easy, but what about the grass that fed the cow? The milking machine. The INVENTOR of the milking machine. The driver of the truck that brought it to the store. How about every inventor and manufacturer that brought the existence of that truck into being – for without all those pieces that make up the truck, or if those pieces broke down, maybe no milk for us. How about the highway he drove on and everyone that brought that into existence. I’m just hitting the highlights on this one to give you an idea. You could spend hours contemplating just one of today’s modern conveniences.
Ultimate challenge. Think of someone for which you harbor resentment, anger or even (gasp!) hatred. Now, start listing things you appreciate about that person, positive characteristics or how you in any way you grew because they were in your life.

Do not get frustrated if you have trouble performing some of the more difficult exercises the first time. Like your experience at the gym, you might need to strengthen your muscles before tackling the heaviest of weights.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Unplug and Reconnect

Frank Clayton — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 22:19:52 +0000

Social connectedness is one of THE biggest predictors of Happiness. Just to be clear, the connection I am speaking of, does not involve wires. It seems more and more common to see people sitting at a table, staring intently NOT into one another’s eyes but to their phone. There is great irony in having such a passion for communicating with one another electronically while ignoring the person we are with. It seems that the more we plug into cyber space, the more we unplug from one another. Not only is intimacy lost, but miscommunications are rampant. For instance, sarcasm does not translate well in typed form and often the message intended is not the message received. Only a fraction of our communication is the exact words used. Most of it comes from the tone, volume, and cadence of what is being said not to mention non-verbal communication. In my practice, I hear more and more couples arguing about issues that started in text, E-mail or something written on Facebook. Arguments that may have never started if they were just communicating with one another. Again, social connections are SO important to our Happiness and communication is a key element of our connection with others. I ask you to consider these points and make a conscious decision of how you want to handle this 21st century problem. My vote would be to PUT THE PHONE DOWN, look into the face of your friend or loved one sitting across from you and talk to them. That person and your connection to them is one of the ways you can live a happier life.

No News is Good News

Frank Clayton — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 21:11:55 +0000

The news came on right after the opening ceremony of the Olympics and the first thing they reported were the two FLAWS in the performance. Wow. The news is negative enough but here was an opportunity to focus on the positive but the “news worthy” part were the mistakes. Not only that, they broke away from telling us more about the Olympic mistakes to tell of a local death. So, they actually are teasing the audience into watching longer so we can hear all about the blunder. Have you noticed the teases? A couple of days ago the weather man said a big storm was on the way, but he made a point of teasing us “Will it effect your morning commute” or will it be in the afternoon? He won’t tell us now, he’s going to tease us through the commercials. Often we are getting teased with bad news. Why do we take the bait? I could go off on a whole rip about that but for now I will ask you to think about YOUR reason.
Not surprisingly, studies have shown that watching the news contributes to depression. One researcher, sociologist John P. Robinson, who was involved in a Massachusetts 30 year study on the topic of television and its effect on our affect said, “TV doesn’t really seem to satisfy people over the long haul the way that social involvement or reading a newspaper does. It’s more passive and may provide escape – especially when the news is as depressing as the economy itself. The data suggest to us that the TV habit may offer short-run pleasure at the expense of long-term malaise.” So, no big shock there but I try hard to always back up my rants with scientific data – something BEYOND my own opinion.
The last reason I don’t watch the news is because there is nothing I can DO about most of the news I hear about. Someone was killed – “That’s terrible.” A Holladay convenience store was robbed – “How awful.” Okay, yes, now I know about it, but what am I supposed to DO about it? I wish they had news that just talked about the things I can do something about. Occasionally there is a morsel of something *I* can do about, such as an Amber Alert or giving to Haiti but what is interesting is that I usually hear about these opportunities through the grape vine. You might say “Well, what if everyone did that? No one would be informed.” True. I’m not in charge of everyone’s happiness, however – just my own.
One alternative I have found to televised news is reading headlines on news websites. This way I can pick and choose my news and don’t have to get teased through commercials. Not surprisingly, I do gravitate to HappyNews.com and would recommend it to anyone that would like to focus on what’s RIGHT with the world.
~Frank Clayton, LPC