Mental Health Counseling and Therapy in Salt Lake City, Utah

Building Your Positive Muscles

Frank Clayton — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 05:56:36 +0000

Many people are quick to see what is wrong, rather than what is right. I’ve come to think of people who are quick to see the negative as having strong negative muscles. This is not to say they do not have positive muscles, they are just under-developed. So, the exercises to follow are designed to pump up your positive muscles. Before you begin your positive workout, let’s clarify what a positive is: a positive is anything for which you can be thankful for or just appreciate. It does not have to be big and it need not be a personal accomplishment.
Here are some tips and different spins on how to get the most out of your positive workout:
Be specific. Instead of just thinking, “I am grateful for my friends” name each friend and think of something about each person that you appreciate. Always include WHY you are thankful.
Savor. Your gratitude list can feel like your grocery list without this important ingredient. Think about what it is you are appreciating and stretch yourself to think of the many reasons you might be grateful for that thing.
Today. Think of anything and everything that you could be grateful for that happened today. Each day is unique. Trust me, as you start to think over your day, the positives will pop into your mind. The more you look the more you find.
Reverse appreciation. Think of anything that you would be mad, sad or otherwise upset if you lost it tomorrow. If you woke up tomorrow and your radio was gone, you’d probably be upset! So, why can’t you appreciate your radio today? This works for many, many things that you may be taking for granted, such as your kidneys or that little screw that holds up your towel rack. If they were suddenly gone tomorrow, you would likely grouse. So appreciate your healthy kidney today and that your towel rack still does it job rather than adding another thing to your to-do list.
Random gratitude. Pick random items and challenge yourself as to how you can appreciate it or be thankful for it. For instance, one time I randomly chose “lint” and ended up with some delightful surprises.
Challenge yourself. For a real challenge, try looking for the positive in things usually thought of as negative. For instance: what good came of 9-11? What are some positives that resulted from World War II?
Milk it. Choose one thing and think of ALL the things that had to happen for that thing to be in your possession. For instance, I once looked at the milk in the bottom of my cereal bowl and thought of everything that was connected to bringing me that milk. Sure, the cow, the farmer and the store that sold it to you are easy, but what about the grass that fed the cow? The milking machine. The INVENTOR of the milking machine. The driver of the truck that brought it to the store. How about every inventor and manufacturer that brought the existence of that truck into being – for without all those pieces that make up the truck, or if those pieces broke down, maybe no milk for us. How about the highway he drove on and everyone that brought that into existence. I’m just hitting the highlights on this one to give you an idea. You could spend hours contemplating just one of today’s modern conveniences.
Ultimate challenge. Think of someone for which you harbor resentment, anger or even (gasp!) hatred. Now, start listing things you appreciate about that person, positive characteristics or how you in any way you grew because they were in your life.

Do not get frustrated if you have trouble performing some of the more difficult exercises the first time. Like your experience at the gym, you might need to strengthen your muscles before tackling the heaviest of weights.

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor

Savoring: Black and White

Frank Clayton — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 17:34:49 +0000

I awoke to silence, appreciating that it was not the sound of our alarm clock. I stirred slightly then enjoy a good stretch of my long legs. Reading these familiar signs that my conscious day has begun, the feline moved in. This is his window of opportunity to enjoy his favorite activity. I could feel him step over my legs and walk the length of my body to rest against my chest and stomach. My left hand naturally laid on his furry tummy. He felt warm against me. His fur was soft. He purred at the first stroke of his belly. On weekdays, the urgency to start the “to do”s du jour cut short this opportunity to exchange love, warmth and companionship between me and my 20 year old cat. I seized the chance to appreciate the moment: he did not wake me up this morning in hopes of starting this morning love-fest early. I was thankful that he is still with us and not succumbed to illness as his brother did two years before. I reveled in the familiarity of this daily chance to love and be loved. I Fended off thoughts of moments past and future, I drank in the present. I noticed how he purred harder when I curled my fingers just a little more. When rubbed lower, Midnight twisted his body slightly upward and stretched his legs downward, giving me better access to his stomach. I realized that when my fingertips get warm when I pet him. With my ears and fingers, I listened to his purr, wondering for a moment exactly what is it inside his body that makes that love motor run. On the heels of this thought was an appreciation that I do not know the mechanics of Midnight’s purr box, for it would be to demystify the wonder and magical quality that rests at the core of the feline mystique. Realizing this thought could lead me astray from the present moment and I returned to enjoy it. I Petted my cat on a languid Sunday morning. Midnight was black. He was close. He was warm and soft. Outside, it was white with new fallen snow. It was beautiful. I knew it is cold and icy beyond my window, which helped me to appreciate the warmth of my bed and my cat all the more.
Savoring Life’s Joys is one of the twelve Happiness Habits suggested by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The How of Happiness. When is the last time you took a moment to drink in the present and appreciate all it has to offer? They happen a often. Seize the day for this one will not pass by this way again.
~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

Diary of a Happy Therapist: I was Wrong and I am Hopeless

Frank Clayton — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:26:11 +0000

In my previous post (Be Right or Be Happy) I invited you to join us in the ranks of optimists. Well, last night I found out, I am not an optimist. In fact, I am “severely hopeless” according to the Optimism Test found at www.authentichappiness.com It might be tempting to dismiss the findings but actually I think it’s accurate. This could be one of the more important findings of my own path to be happier. You see, Martin Seligman purports that optimism can be dissected into two parts permanence and pervasiveness. So, when things go wrong, do you say something like “I’m so stupid!”? Can you see the pervasiveness and permanence of this label you have slapped onto yourself? In contrast, “Sometimes I do really stupid things” leaves room for hope. Okay, you made a mistake but are not damning yourself for all eternity. The latter statement also gives wiggle room that sometimes you do things right too – so it is not pervasive. These differences are subtle but significant. So, in taking the test and honestly looking at how I respond to such boo-boos, I am quick to judge myself harshly. This is GREAT! I feel the way I imagine kids who have struggled with a learning disorder might feel when being diagnosed: on the one hand, it’s difficult to be diagnosed as “severely pessimistic” but now I can DO something about it! Now I can make a conscious choice to start watching my self-talk and (out loud) language more carefully for words like “never”, “always” and labels. I can replace these words with more optimistic choices such as “sometimes” or “maybe”. While I’m dissecting optimism and pessimism, I offer one last tidbit courtesy of Sonja Lyubomirsky. In her book, The How of Happiness, she adds one other dimension to the mix: internal vs. external. Do you blame yourself or external circumstances? Let’s look at two examples:
You lost a race. Your response:
A. I’m a loser
B. It wasn’t my day
In the first example, it is permanent, pervasive and internal. The second statement is temporary, transient and external.
Are you a true optimist? Take the challenge: go to www.authentichappiness.com

A final thought about your words, care of that prolific writer, Anonymous:
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Frank Clayton
Licensed Professional Counselor
Aspiring Optimist

Be Right or Be Happy?

Frank Clayton — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 21:32:29 +0000

If you had to choose to between being right or being happy, which would you choose?
For some people, being right is extremely important but is it more important than being happy? Sometimes happy people are accused of not living in the “real world”, that they wear “rose colored glasses” or of being a Pollyanna.
There is actually some validity to this accusation. In his book, Authentic Happiness, Martin Seligman writes of an experiment in which participants were asked to turn on a light. Sometimes the light went on and sometimes it did not. Those who scored higher on the optimist scale predicted that the light would turn on more than the realist and they were wrong more often because of their optimistic leanings. So the optimist has more hope than the realist. But would you rather be right or be happy? Thankfully the question is not that cut and dried. It’s not all-or-nothing, black-or-white. Yes, the realists were more accurate but not by a landslide. So, would you rather be right and be less happy or be more hopeful and be more happy?
There are a many more implications to this question than first meet the eye. Studies have proven that optimists are happier, have a better quality of life and enjoy better health.
Viktor Frankl was a psychologist before being thrown into the concentration camps of Nazi Germany. In the middle of the most horrific of studies in human behavior, Frankl calculated that when prisoners lost hope, they were dead within two weeks. Was there reason to give up hope? Plenty. Statistically, the chance of getting out of there alive were extremely poor. But the optimist lived longer purely because of his more optimistic point of view.
So, now you get to decide: where on the continuum of hope would you like to live? If you are a realist, you would be willing to let go of your death grip on reality in favor for a little more happiness, opting to be an optimistic realist. Or go even a little further into optimistic territory adopting the title of a realistic optimist. My hope is that you will join us among the ranks of optimists. Wherever you find yourself on the continuum, I hope you are doing so as a conscious choice. Choice is a drum we beat a lot in Happiness 101. One choice you could make would be to pick up Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book The How of Happiness. One of her twelve Happiness Habit strategies is Cultivating Optimism. Another choice you could make is to join us in Happiness 101. It is a FREE class about Happiness I teach every Monday at 7pm. Click here to check out the upcoming class schedule or call 877-476-6338 for recorded information.
~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

Pessimist vs. Realist

Frank Clayton — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 00:19:31 +0000

There are several components to optimism. One can consider themselves to be an optimist and still be pessimistic about some things. Much of this leans on your level of efficacy – that is your BELIEF that you can do something, as opposed to whether you can actually do it. For example, while I have optimistic leanings, my level of efficacy about building a rocket ship by December is very low. I can quickly calculate my skill level and the amount of effort that I would expect to put into the task. In this example, given the cramped time frame, my lack of skill in rocket building and the daunting task of getting materials etc by year’s end is, in my estimation, impossible. So, am I thinking like an optimist, a pessimist or a realist? Many people labeled as a pessimist, defend their position by calling themselves a realist. But which is it? Let’s see where you fit in. I am about to ask you a question, please be aware of your initial reaction and any other responses that follow and your final determination.
Here is the question: Can a man with no arms and no legs swim?
What do you think?
Please have your answer firmly in your head.
Now, please watch this.
How accurate were you? Were you open to the possibility, or do you say “no way” or “It can’t be done”? A pessimist often uses a lot of absolutes in their language. Absolutes like “never” or “always” or “can’t”. An optimist uses language with ear-markers of hope – words like “maybe” or “possibly”. The realist? Dictionary.com defines a realist as “a person who tends to view or represent things as they really are.” So, the delineation between a pessimist and a realist is accuracy. If you consider yourself to be a realist, I invite you to keep track of how accurate your predictions are. If you are not right at LEAST 50% of the time, you might reconsider your position.
Whether you call yourself an pessimist, a realist or an optimist, I invite you tomorrow’s Happiness 101 class where we will break down the three specific components that make up optimism. It’s a free class, so you have nothing to lose but your frown. Join us at 7pm, Monday, March 8th for Happiness 101. The address is 220 East 3900 South #7, Salt Lake City For a list of upcoming classes go to http://saltlakementalhealth.com/happiness-classes or for recorded information call 877-476-6338
A special thank you to Nick Vujicic for inspiring us. Learn more about Nick and his amazing life at www.lifewithoutlimbs.org
~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

Why Feel Pain?

Frank Clayton — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 20:24:24 +0000

Honestly, I think it is natural for us to shy away from pain. There are not many people who say, “Pain? Sure, sign me up!” But we were born with a full range of emotions from joy to despair. In Happiness 101 we help students to become mindful of the large and small decisions that contribute to their unhappiness and invite them to make a conscious decision about what they want to do to feel better. This is however not to say that we should always expect to be happy. There are times that it is natural to feel upset, angry or sad. The go-to example I use often is grief. As a therapist, if someone close just passed away and the person before me is smiling broadly and telling me “I’m fine” – I would be very concerned. Some of the natural feelings that go along with grief are shock, anger, sadness and, yes, sometimes happiness. This is a natural process we go through to heal. As someone who has gone through the grieving process, I can tell you that on the other side of all that sadness you will have the ability to feel happy, warm feelings again when thinking of your loved one. So, why feel pain? Paradoxically, you feel pain to get past the pain. The cost of not allowing yourself to go through the natural process is high. “The symptoms of unresolved grief are numerous, including but not limited to: over-activity, having the symptoms of the deceased, psychosomatic (imagined and possibly created) illnesses, drastic changes in social network, hostility towards people connected with the death, self-sabotage, severe depression, suicidal tendencies, over-identification with the deceased, and/or phobias about illness or death.” Also, it is impossible to cut off the “bad” emotions, without effecting the “good” emotions. Therefore if you bury your feelings, you bury the “good” with the “bad”. Over the years, I have met many people who have attempted to avoid the grieving process – always to their detriment. I have met several such people lately. To help, I offer the Unresolved Grief Group. This group will gather on the first Wednesday of each month at 7pm. The first group is Wednesday, March 3rd. This is a closed group, meaning that once the group has been established, new people will not be allowed to join. This will give group members an an opportunity to really get to know one another and build trust. Under some circumstances we may allow a newcomer to join for the 2nd gathering of the group (April 7th). If you are interested in joining us, please let me know sooner than later. 877-476-6338
Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

Happier 101

Frank Clayton — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 05:44:55 +0000

Ace Test Prep

It was a great day in Happiness 101.
The class has been growing so much that we outgrew my space! Last week we had 13 people with a record number of new students (four). Seeing that the class was growing bigger than my waiting room, I talked to Brent Dunn, CEO of Ace Test Prep, one of my neighbors where my office is located. Ace has two big classrooms there where they help people get ready for the LSAT, GMAT, MCAT and DAT tests. When I explained my “problem” to Brent, he was more than Happy to help out. He really likes that Happiness 101 is spreading Happiness and that it is something people can get for free during these challenging times. This deal was struck merely two hours before students would attend the class. It turns out it was a good thing we had more space because we had a record-breaking 16 students in class tonight! That included THREE new students (thank you meetup.com. So, I wanted to publicly express my appreciation to Brent – THANK YOU, BRENT! I also wanted to say “thank you” to the students of Happiness 101. It is a great honor to share the scientific data behind true Happiness. I appreciate you spreading the word, sharing your smiles and being my teacher at times.
What’s next? I’ve applied to teach Happiness 101 at the University of Utah’s Lifelong Learning Center and maybe, just MAYBE streaming the class live on the internet. Did I mention that in August Happiness 101 is going SKYDIVING? In any case, Happiness is spreading through Happy Valley.
Frank Clayton, LPC
P.S. Just a reminder that the Unresolved Grief Group starts Wednesday, March 3rd and the Forgiveness Group begins Wednesday, March 10th. Both classes begin at 7pm

Forgiveness Group starts Wed. March 10th, 7pm

Frank Clayton — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:08:21 +0000

On the issue of forgiveness, the founder of Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman said “Frequent and intense negative thoughts about the past are the raw material that blocks the emotions of contentment and satisfaction, and these thoughts make serenity and peace impossible.”
In her book, The How of Happiness Sonja Lybuomirsky lists forgiveness as one of the 12 Happiness Habits, but admits it is the most difficult one to do.
There is a great deal of misunderstanding about forgiveness. It is not to condone the offender. Forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself, taking back your own power, severing the control the transgressor has over you and your happiness. Understanding forgiveness is only part of the battle. We are not readily taught HOW to forgive. This Forgiveness Group will give participants an opportunity to learn more about forgiveness but more importantly HOW to do it.
Those wishing to attend the Forgiveness Group will need to consult with myself to ensure appropriateness and a good fit for the purpose of the group. This consultation will take 10-15 minutes and is offered free of charge. Cost of the group will be $25 for 1.5 hours of group time. This will be a closed group. This means that once it has begun, new people wishing to join will have to wait until the next group begins (apx six months). This group will meet twice a month, on the second and fourth Wednesday of each month at 7pm. Location: 220 East 3900 South #7, Salt Lake City. To arrange a consultation or if you have any questions, E-mail me at frank@saltlakementalhealth.com or call 877-476-6338 for recorded information.

Unresolved Grief Group

Frank Clayton — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 06:58:42 +0000

Grief is tough. Two of the toughest parts of grief is feeling alone and not knowing how to grieve. In our fast-paced world, we are given very little time to work through our grief. This can leave us feeling like we “should be over it by now”. There are a lot of right ways to grieve. The only real way to do it “wrong” is to attempt to avoid it. Ironically and sadly, this prolongs the process. I have worked with many people recently who are struggling with unresolved grief. Specifically grief over the death of a loved one that occurred over a year ago and they are having difficulty getting past it. This unresolved grief obviously thwarts efforts to be happy.
To alleviate feelings of isolated, lonely grief and to help educate mourners on the process of grief, I offer the Unresolved Grief Group. Most of the work done in regards to grief occurs outside of the therapeutic arena. Therefore, this group will be offered once a month, to give mourners an opportunity to do the work needed between groups.
This will be a closed group. This means that once the group has begun, newcomers will not be allowed into the group. Those who attend are making a commitment to show up each month for 12 months. Group members must be screened by me to determine whether the person is appropriate and a good fit for the group. Such a consultation will be 10-15 minutes in length and that consultation will be free of charge. The cost of the group will be $25 for each group which is expected to last approximately one and half hours. The group will be held at my office (220 East 3900 South #7) on the first Wednesday of each month. To set up a consultation or if you have any questions, please E-mail me at frank@saltlakementalhealth.com or call 877-476-6338 for recorded information

Sleep Your Way To Happiness

Frank Clayton — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 05:59:12 +0000

Sleep deprivation can definitely impede on your Happiness. In his book The Promise of Sleep (Dell, 2000), professor William Dement of Stanford University School of Medicine states that if American’s got just one more hour of sleep each night our “sleep sick” society would be much healthier and happier (Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness).
If you have difficulty sleeping, I prescribe some of the techniques we use in Happiness 101:
* Be mindful -of what you are doing or not doing that may be contributing to poor sleep
* Recognize what you have control over and what you do not. For example, staying up to watch Dave or Jay are within your control. What time the sun rises is not in your control.
* Make a plan. For instance, “I will turn off the T.V. at 10pm”.
* Implement the plan. “Do, or do not” and take full responsibility for that decision.

To help you recognize some of the little things you may unwittingly be doing to undermine your ZZZ’s, I direct you to www.sleepeducation.com for their article on sleep hygiene. There is much out there written on the subject. You have but to look. Please take care of yourself. Sleep and feel happier.
~Frank Clayton, LPC