Mental Health Counseling and Therapy in Salt Lake City, Utah

Be Right or Be Happy?

Frank Clayton — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 21:32:29 +0000

If you had to choose to between being right or being happy, which would you choose?
For some people, being right is extremely important but is it more important than being happy? Sometimes happy people are accused of not living in the “real world”, that they wear “rose colored glasses” or of being a Pollyanna.
There is actually some validity to this accusation. In his book, Authentic Happiness, Martin Seligman writes of an experiment in which participants were asked to turn on a light. Sometimes the light went on and sometimes it did not. Those who scored higher on the optimist scale predicted that the light would turn on more than the realist and they were wrong more often because of their optimistic leanings. So the optimist has more hope than the realist. But would you rather be right or be happy? Thankfully the question is not that cut and dried. It’s not all-or-nothing, black-or-white. Yes, the realists were more accurate but not by a landslide. So, would you rather be right and be less happy or be more hopeful and be more happy?
There are a many more implications to this question than first meet the eye. Studies have proven that optimists are happier, have a better quality of life and enjoy better health.
Viktor Frankl was a psychologist before being thrown into the concentration camps of Nazi Germany. In the middle of the most horrific of studies in human behavior, Frankl calculated that when prisoners lost hope, they were dead within two weeks. Was there reason to give up hope? Plenty. Statistically, the chance of getting out of there alive were extremely poor. But the optimist lived longer purely because of his more optimistic point of view.
So, now you get to decide: where on the continuum of hope would you like to live? If you are a realist, you would be willing to let go of your death grip on reality in favor for a little more happiness, opting to be an optimistic realist. Or go even a little further into optimistic territory adopting the title of a realistic optimist. My hope is that you will join us among the ranks of optimists. Wherever you find yourself on the continuum, I hope you are doing so as a conscious choice. Choice is a drum we beat a lot in Happiness 101. One choice you could make would be to pick up Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book The How of Happiness. One of her twelve Happiness Habit strategies is Cultivating Optimism. Another choice you could make is to join us in Happiness 101. It is a FREE class about Happiness I teach every Monday at 7pm. Click here to check out the upcoming class schedule or call 877-476-6338 for recorded information.
~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

Pessimist vs. Realist

Frank Clayton — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 00:19:31 +0000

There are several components to optimism. One can consider themselves to be an optimist and still be pessimistic about some things. Much of this leans on your level of efficacy – that is your BELIEF that you can do something, as opposed to whether you can actually do it. For example, while I have optimistic leanings, my level of efficacy about building a rocket ship by December is very low. I can quickly calculate my skill level and the amount of effort that I would expect to put into the task. In this example, given the cramped time frame, my lack of skill in rocket building and the daunting task of getting materials etc by year’s end is, in my estimation, impossible. So, am I thinking like an optimist, a pessimist or a realist? Many people labeled as a pessimist, defend their position by calling themselves a realist. But which is it? Let’s see where you fit in. I am about to ask you a question, please be aware of your initial reaction and any other responses that follow and your final determination.
Here is the question: Can a man with no arms and no legs swim?
What do you think?
Please have your answer firmly in your head.
Now, please watch this.
How accurate were you? Were you open to the possibility, or do you say “no way” or “It can’t be done”? A pessimist often uses a lot of absolutes in their language. Absolutes like “never” or “always” or “can’t”. An optimist uses language with ear-markers of hope – words like “maybe” or “possibly”. The realist? Dictionary.com defines a realist as “a person who tends to view or represent things as they really are.” So, the delineation between a pessimist and a realist is accuracy. If you consider yourself to be a realist, I invite you to keep track of how accurate your predictions are. If you are not right at LEAST 50% of the time, you might reconsider your position.
Whether you call yourself an pessimist, a realist or an optimist, I invite you tomorrow’s Happiness 101 class where we will break down the three specific components that make up optimism. It’s a free class, so you have nothing to lose but your frown. Join us at 7pm, Monday, March 8th for Happiness 101. The address is 220 East 3900 South #7, Salt Lake City For a list of upcoming classes go to http://saltlakementalhealth.com/happiness-classes or for recorded information call 877-476-6338
A special thank you to Nick Vujicic for inspiring us. Learn more about Nick and his amazing life at www.lifewithoutlimbs.org
~Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

Why Feel Pain?

Frank Clayton — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 20:24:24 +0000

Honestly, I think it is natural for us to shy away from pain. There are not many people who say, “Pain? Sure, sign me up!” But we were born with a full range of emotions from joy to despair. In Happiness 101 we help students to become mindful of the large and small decisions that contribute to their unhappiness and invite them to make a conscious decision about what they want to do to feel better. This is however not to say that we should always expect to be happy. There are times that it is natural to feel upset, angry or sad. The go-to example I use often is grief. As a therapist, if someone close just passed away and the person before me is smiling broadly and telling me “I’m fine” – I would be very concerned. Some of the natural feelings that go along with grief are shock, anger, sadness and, yes, sometimes happiness. This is a natural process we go through to heal. As someone who has gone through the grieving process, I can tell you that on the other side of all that sadness you will have the ability to feel happy, warm feelings again when thinking of your loved one. So, why feel pain? Paradoxically, you feel pain to get past the pain. The cost of not allowing yourself to go through the natural process is high. “The symptoms of unresolved grief are numerous, including but not limited to: over-activity, having the symptoms of the deceased, psychosomatic (imagined and possibly created) illnesses, drastic changes in social network, hostility towards people connected with the death, self-sabotage, severe depression, suicidal tendencies, over-identification with the deceased, and/or phobias about illness or death.” Also, it is impossible to cut off the “bad” emotions, without effecting the “good” emotions. Therefore if you bury your feelings, you bury the “good” with the “bad”. Over the years, I have met many people who have attempted to avoid the grieving process – always to their detriment. I have met several such people lately. To help, I offer the Unresolved Grief Group. This group will gather on the first Wednesday of each month at 7pm. The first group is Wednesday, March 3rd. This is a closed group, meaning that once the group has been established, new people will not be allowed to join. This will give group members an an opportunity to really get to know one another and build trust. Under some circumstances we may allow a newcomer to join for the 2nd gathering of the group (April 7th). If you are interested in joining us, please let me know sooner than later. 877-476-6338
Frank Clayton, Licensed Professional Counselor

Happier 101

Frank Clayton — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 05:44:55 +0000

Ace Test Prep

It was a great day in Happiness 101.
The class has been growing so much that we outgrew my space! Last week we had 13 people with a record number of new students (four). Seeing that the class was growing bigger than my waiting room, I talked to Brent Dunn, CEO of Ace Test Prep, one of my neighbors where my office is located. Ace has two big classrooms there where they help people get ready for the LSAT, GMAT, MCAT and DAT tests. When I explained my “problem” to Brent, he was more than Happy to help out. He really likes that Happiness 101 is spreading Happiness and that it is something people can get for free during these challenging times. This deal was struck merely two hours before students would attend the class. It turns out it was a good thing we had more space because we had a record-breaking 16 students in class tonight! That included THREE new students (thank you meetup.com. So, I wanted to publicly express my appreciation to Brent – THANK YOU, BRENT! I also wanted to say “thank you” to the students of Happiness 101. It is a great honor to share the scientific data behind true Happiness. I appreciate you spreading the word, sharing your smiles and being my teacher at times.
What’s next? I’ve applied to teach Happiness 101 at the University of Utah’s Lifelong Learning Center and maybe, just MAYBE streaming the class live on the internet. Did I mention that in August Happiness 101 is going SKYDIVING? In any case, Happiness is spreading through Happy Valley.
Frank Clayton, LPC
P.S. Just a reminder that the Unresolved Grief Group starts Wednesday, March 3rd and the Forgiveness Group begins Wednesday, March 10th. Both classes begin at 7pm

Forgiveness Group starts Wed. March 10th, 7pm

Frank Clayton — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:08:21 +0000

On the issue of forgiveness, the founder of Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman said “Frequent and intense negative thoughts about the past are the raw material that blocks the emotions of contentment and satisfaction, and these thoughts make serenity and peace impossible.”
In her book, The How of Happiness Sonja Lybuomirsky lists forgiveness as one of the 12 Happiness Habits, but admits it is the most difficult one to do.
There is a great deal of misunderstanding about forgiveness. It is not to condone the offender. Forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself, taking back your own power, severing the control the transgressor has over you and your happiness. Understanding forgiveness is only part of the battle. We are not readily taught HOW to forgive. This Forgiveness Group will give participants an opportunity to learn more about forgiveness but more importantly HOW to do it.
Those wishing to attend the Forgiveness Group will need to consult with myself to ensure appropriateness and a good fit for the purpose of the group. This consultation will take 10-15 minutes and is offered free of charge. Cost of the group will be $25 for 1.5 hours of group time. This will be a closed group. This means that once it has begun, new people wishing to join will have to wait until the next group begins (apx six months). This group will meet twice a month, on the second and fourth Wednesday of each month at 7pm. Location: 220 East 3900 South #7, Salt Lake City. To arrange a consultation or if you have any questions, E-mail me at frank@saltlakementalhealth.com or call 877-476-6338 for recorded information.

Unresolved Grief Group

Frank Clayton — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 06:58:42 +0000

Grief is tough. Two of the toughest parts of grief is feeling alone and not knowing how to grieve. In our fast-paced world, we are given very little time to work through our grief. This can leave us feeling like we “should be over it by now”. There are a lot of right ways to grieve. The only real way to do it “wrong” is to attempt to avoid it. Ironically and sadly, this prolongs the process. I have worked with many people recently who are struggling with unresolved grief. Specifically grief over the death of a loved one that occurred over a year ago and they are having difficulty getting past it. This unresolved grief obviously thwarts efforts to be happy.
To alleviate feelings of isolated, lonely grief and to help educate mourners on the process of grief, I offer the Unresolved Grief Group. Most of the work done in regards to grief occurs outside of the therapeutic arena. Therefore, this group will be offered once a month, to give mourners an opportunity to do the work needed between groups.
This will be a closed group. This means that once the group has begun, newcomers will not be allowed into the group. Those who attend are making a commitment to show up each month for 12 months. Group members must be screened by me to determine whether the person is appropriate and a good fit for the group. Such a consultation will be 10-15 minutes in length and that consultation will be free of charge. The cost of the group will be $25 for each group which is expected to last approximately one and half hours. The group will be held at my office (220 East 3900 South #7) on the first Wednesday of each month. To set up a consultation or if you have any questions, please E-mail me at frank@saltlakementalhealth.com or call 877-476-6338 for recorded information

Sleep Your Way To Happiness

Frank Clayton — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 05:59:12 +0000

Sleep deprivation can definitely impede on your Happiness. In his book The Promise of Sleep (Dell, 2000), professor William Dement of Stanford University School of Medicine states that if American’s got just one more hour of sleep each night our “sleep sick” society would be much healthier and happier (Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness).
If you have difficulty sleeping, I prescribe some of the techniques we use in Happiness 101:
* Be mindful -of what you are doing or not doing that may be contributing to poor sleep
* Recognize what you have control over and what you do not. For example, staying up to watch Dave or Jay are within your control. What time the sun rises is not in your control.
* Make a plan. For instance, “I will turn off the T.V. at 10pm”.
* Implement the plan. “Do, or do not” and take full responsibility for that decision.

To help you recognize some of the little things you may unwittingly be doing to undermine your ZZZ’s, I direct you to www.sleepeducation.com for their article on sleep hygiene. There is much out there written on the subject. You have but to look. Please take care of yourself. Sleep and feel happier.
~Frank Clayton, LPC

I Apologize

Frank Clayton — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 06:53:44 +0000

You won't believe what this picture is made of. Read on.

In Happiness 101, we have four rules:

No Blame

No Shame

No Guilt

No Complaining

We call these rascals “Happiness Robbers” a term coined by Marci Shimoff. In short, blame, shame, guilt and complaining emerge when we are in victimhood and not taking full responsibility for our Happiness. As with any good rule, we also have consequences for breaking the rule. The three consequences are: 1) sing a happy song for one minute, 2) pay $2 to charity and 3) give 10 positives. Having these consequences does two things – it raises student’s level of awareness of what they are saying and the positive energy of the consequence offsets the negative energy brought into the class.

Well, it seems that I broke my own rule. I complained.

On February 20th, I posted an article called “No News is Good News” in which I complained. I will not make matters worse by reiterating it here. I also will make no excuses. I will, however, pay up for breaking (what has become) one of the rules of my life. So, here are my 10 positives:

1) I am thankful to the banana peel. This natural protective layer helps to keep the banana fresh and ready to eat. Banana peels have also raised the level of “happy chemicals” in millions of people by way of slapstick comedy.

2) I appreciate aluminum. This amazing light-weight metal has been used in everything from building materials to the container from which I drink. It is also recyclable!

3) This shirt I am wearing. Does a great job of keeping me warm and from scaring people away. It is a navy blue polo with a kangeroo over (what would be) the left breast pocket. It reminds me of a wonderful trip to Coff’s Harbor Australia and of the great time at the Sydney Aquarium. This shirt has also been a great conversation starter, which has helped me to better connect with others.

4) That my eyes are getting better! My last optometrist had the foresight (sorry, couldn’t resist) to NOT give my eyes as much power as they craved in my last pair of glasses. This made my eyes work harder and at my last check-up, the doc (a different optometrist) said I needed a new prescription because my eyes got better.

5) Spell-check. Microsoft Word’s spell-check helped me to figure out how to spell optometrist. I’m sure Spell-check has saved me on countless papers, E-mails and resumes over the years. Thank you, Microsoft!

6) My grey scarf. ‘Never was much of a scarf man – until this year! In years past I complained a LOT during winter because of the cold. Ironically, I had plenty of warm clothing to wear but did not wear it. Teaching Happiness 101 has helped me to take true responsibility for my Happiness and so I have been dressing warmer – including my grey scarf. It is long enough and short enough. It is warm and doesn’t scratch. It probably saved me from a cold this year – I haven’t had one.

7) My wife’s blue eyes. I appreciate my wife VERY much, but I always choose to appreciate something different each time I count the positives. She, of course, was the very first blessing I counted on my very first list. Her eyes are beautiful and sometimes sparkle with mischief. I appreciate the love they have mirrored back to me for over 22 years.

8 ) Raisins. The raisins in my drawer really saved me tonight. I forgot to bring something to eat. I’m glad someone took the chance to eat a dried up wrinkled grape. Where would Raisinettes be without them? The same place my stomach would be right now: empty.

9) You Tube. I really love logging into You Tube after a long day and stumbling on all kinds of amazing, interesting and funny videos. Olga Kay is my guilty pleasure. She makes me smile and laugh – BOTH which are good for my Happiness.

Click to see the art and the artist

10) Lint. Hmmmmmmmmm okay. I’ll admit, I’m stretching on this one. But that’s good! It helps to stretch my positive muscles to think of how I could be grateful for lint. Well, if we had no clothes, we would have no lint – so I can be VERY grateful to have clothes that made the lint. But appreciating the lint on its own merits….. (stretching) I know! If there was no lint, then there would not have been a need to invent a lint trap. So inventing the lint trap put food on the lint trap inventor’s table. I think his name was J. Ross Moore (yes, I tried to look it up). Oh, one more reason to be grateful for lint: would you believe lint art?!?! I just discovered this just now. Wow! Go Heidi Hooper!! Her art has been featured in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Wow!

I must say, writing those 10 positives and spending the time to write about and really appreciate these 10 things really lifted my spirits. Give it a try and please share your answers.

~Frank Clayton, LPC

Addendum:
Bonus!
11) Learning about Heidi Hooper and her amazing story of how she came to make her art out of lint. Click here to see the You Tube video of Heidi Hooper and how she turned her pain and her lint into art! Thank you again You Tube.

Unplug and Reconnect

Frank Clayton — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 22:19:52 +0000

Social connectedness is one of THE biggest predictors of Happiness. Just to be clear, the connection I am speaking of, does not involve wires. It seems more and more common to see people sitting at a table, staring intently NOT into one another’s eyes but to their phone. There is great irony in having such a passion for communicating with one another electronically while ignoring the person we are with. It seems that the more we plug into cyber space, the more we unplug from one another. Not only is intimacy lost, but miscommunications are rampant. For instance, sarcasm does not translate well in typed form and often the message intended is not the message received. Only a fraction of our communication is the exact words used. Most of it comes from the tone, volume, and cadence of what is being said not to mention non-verbal communication. In my practice, I hear more and more couples arguing about issues that started in text, E-mail or something written on Facebook. Arguments that may have never started if they were just communicating with one another. Again, social connections are SO important to our Happiness and communication is a key element of our connection with others. I ask you to consider these points and make a conscious decision of how you want to handle this 21st century problem. My vote would be to PUT THE PHONE DOWN, look into the face of your friend or loved one sitting across from you and talk to them. That person and your connection to them is one of the ways you can live a happier life.

No News is Good News

Frank Clayton — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 21:11:55 +0000

The news came on right after the opening ceremony of the Olympics and the first thing they reported were the two FLAWS in the performance. Wow. The news is negative enough but here was an opportunity to focus on the positive but the “news worthy” part were the mistakes. Not only that, they broke away from telling us more about the Olympic mistakes to tell of a local death. So, they actually are teasing the audience into watching longer so we can hear all about the blunder. Have you noticed the teases? A couple of days ago the weather man said a big storm was on the way, but he made a point of teasing us “Will it effect your morning commute” or will it be in the afternoon? He won’t tell us now, he’s going to tease us through the commercials. Often we are getting teased with bad news. Why do we take the bait? I could go off on a whole rip about that but for now I will ask you to think about YOUR reason.
Not surprisingly, studies have shown that watching the news contributes to depression. One researcher, sociologist John P. Robinson, who was involved in a Massachusetts 30 year study on the topic of television and its effect on our affect said, “TV doesn’t really seem to satisfy people over the long haul the way that social involvement or reading a newspaper does. It’s more passive and may provide escape – especially when the news is as depressing as the economy itself. The data suggest to us that the TV habit may offer short-run pleasure at the expense of long-term malaise.” So, no big shock there but I try hard to always back up my rants with scientific data – something BEYOND my own opinion.
The last reason I don’t watch the news is because there is nothing I can DO about most of the news I hear about. Someone was killed – “That’s terrible.” A Holladay convenience store was robbed – “How awful.” Okay, yes, now I know about it, but what am I supposed to DO about it? I wish they had news that just talked about the things I can do something about. Occasionally there is a morsel of something *I* can do about, such as an Amber Alert or giving to Haiti but what is interesting is that I usually hear about these opportunities through the grape vine. You might say “Well, what if everyone did that? No one would be informed.” True. I’m not in charge of everyone’s happiness, however – just my own.
One alternative I have found to televised news is reading headlines on news websites. This way I can pick and choose my news and don’t have to get teased through commercials. Not surprisingly, I do gravitate to HappyNews.com and would recommend it to anyone that would like to focus on what’s RIGHT with the world.
~Frank Clayton, LPC